All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
so let's talk penis.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
