i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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