My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
