Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
