she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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