I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
