I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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