just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
