turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
