Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
