I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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