I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
There r osticjed everywhere
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
