Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
