I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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