She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
