I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
