Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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