You're my little dorito
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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