he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
