Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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