I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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