I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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