Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Randomize
