so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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