I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
50% drunk capacity currently
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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