i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
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im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
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Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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