the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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