Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
