dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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