Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
