First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
