Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
