I'm laying in your front yard are you home
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
