Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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