I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
