I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
