FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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