Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
