We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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