I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
