Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
