Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
