where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
