yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
