I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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