Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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