I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
