And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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