The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
