the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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