they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
