no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
