i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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