just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
