I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
