2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
